By Jen Heisel
I’m not your typical Marine Corps spouse. I’ve never been through a PCS and have never moved to be with my husband (miraculously, he’s only ever been stationed in San Diego, and we met six months after I moved here). I don’t have kids and I work full-time. I had a life that existed before my husband and one that still exists quite separately from the military.
I love my civilian life, my civilian friends, my civilian house in my civilian neighborhood and my civilian job. But this military life is weird. There are no two ways about it. You could go days without hearing from your spouse (yay, River City!). Your family can go months, even years, living in a state of flux. You have to dress up in prom-esque attire once a year to celebrate the birthday of your husband’s employer. You’re mandated to follow a dress code within the confines of your neighborhood. Finding a community of strong, caring, badass spouses to support you, even when you think you don’t need it, is integral to surviving this bizarre existence.
We had only been dating for about 10 months before my husband went on a MEU for six months. I had met a few of my husband’s friend’s wives before he left but we weren’t that close.
But when he deployed, I reached out to those women and man, am I glad I did.
One of them developed into something akin to my second older sister. Countless others have been the people I’ve called when I had to fly cross-country for a family emergency, or who sat with me while I cried, or laughed when me or planned with me or crafted with me.
Shortly after my husband left on his most recent deployment, I learned about the Military Spouses Kickball Association and that cemented my belief that this community is incredible.
Through hours spent on the kickball field, I developed an insanely close bond with 10 other amazing women whom I never would’ve met without our team. Most of our husbands had never met – the majority of us were attached from different squadrons to another one for the deployment – and a lot of them were in completely different jobs. We had been wives anywhere from six months to 26 years. Some of our husbands were deployed and some were not. Some had no kids while one was pregnant with her fourth. Some had intense jobs with long hours, some home-schooled their children full-time. But when we got together, we were tight as tight can be. We battled through injuries, family tragedies, days without communication from our spouses. Together, we cried, laughed, and above all, had each other’s backs. We talked about how incredible and crazy this life was – all of the moves, both OCUNUS and CONUS, the career changes we’d endured, the friends we’d left along the way and the family we missed deeply.
But above all, we all felt that the reason for the tightness of this community is because we know it’s fleeting. We know that the time will come when we’ll all separate. Two of my closest MilSo friends are PCSing soon, and I’m finding these words ring truer now. These relationships live more in the moment than any I’ve ever had. We savor each other’s company, time, words. We love each other fiercely. We thrive and grow alongside and because of each other. Together, we feel the highest highs and the lowest lows. We share our deepest, darkest secrets, our fears, our hopes, and dreams. And this is all in the span of a few years.
What makes a MilSo community so important? The bottom line is that there isn’t anything like it. The friendships are fierce. They’re forged by a shared sense of feeling different from our counterparts, all of those times a civilian has told us that they don’t know how we do it and we smile softly while thinking, “yeah, I don’t either.”
This is a crazy life, and only a handful understand it. Relish in these relationships you have the opportunity to create. Volunteer for or attend events hosted by your spouse’s unit. Attend a LINKS event on base. Join a kickball team. Reach out to your FRG or DRC. I promise you, you won’t regret it.
Want to join our virtual MilSo tribe? Join the official Warrior Wife Facebook Group here!
How did you find your Milso tribe? Tell us in the comments below!